you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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