lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize