i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
