I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
