I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize