I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
