Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize