Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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