she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
