I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
