Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
