I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
