So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
