If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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