I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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