pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize