He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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