The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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