I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize