got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Randomize
