Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
