had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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