I like to think it a success when the cops are called
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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