Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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