Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
