i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is Oprah even human
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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