I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
