I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize