She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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