i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
