I wish I could teleport
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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