I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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