I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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