come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
