A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I believe in your delicious
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
