dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
