If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
