the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
