Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
