I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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