So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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