Umm I'm too high to move.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
