I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
