I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
