U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
