By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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