If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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