If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
