Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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