she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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