the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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