Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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