If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
