It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
