you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
