The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
