my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
