If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
