Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
