we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
