Pants 0. Shit 1.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
