I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
