A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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