C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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