we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
