i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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