it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
