Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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