she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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